In my dream last night I was in a relationship with a man I really adored. He was immensely engaged in avoiding any intimacy with me…I went for a walk to see the sun rising, he was happy that I left, and that’s when I woke up.
6 am, awakened, the sunrise behind the houses, pink coloured sky..it makes my heart feeling warm,but still I am carrying the weight of the dream with me. Do I really not deserve to be loved?
In the Balkans, where my parents origin from, it is common to curse, out of positive or out of negative moods. You can add it like the english expression ” what the fuck..” or ” motherfucker ” or to indulge them in more profound ways, you add whatever else is most holy to you, God, Mary, Jesus, church, the holy sunday, holy bread, you combine it with the devil , put all of your suppressed anger , rage and pain in it, and then you address the result to your most beloved, for example your children.
When I was a child and my mum had one of her rage attacks, she used to celebrate them in a performance grabbing my long hair and pulling me over the floor. Mom loved to yell out:
” May God enable the devil to take away all the happiness out of your life, and may you never have a man who loves you by your side” , accompanied by the wish that I had never been born.
Usually this whole procedure was assisted by a belt. I had to bring the belt, take my pants off,
and to promise to be obedient and never ever do IT again ( not to finish cleaning the house untill she comes home or to speak more than I was allowed to).
The last time, I was in India, I was literally brought to a man called the ” Guru ” who was able to see other people’s field of Aura and reveal deep insights about themselves.
When I arrived in Jaipur, I did not have a hotel, ( not even the “lonely planet ” with me ) , I arrived at about 10 pm at the train station. A young indian guy, smart-looking, addressed me as a guide and proposed to drive me to a hotel nearby. I was completely ignorant towards him, convinced that he is a cheater, and continued my straight way not knowing where I was going to.
I walked towards an exit that no one else used, when this ” guide” appeared , offering me this time to prove himself as a real tourist guide. I realized that I was quite lost, and gave him the chance to present himself. It turned out that he was in the top five of best Jaipur guides, affirmed by trip advisor.
Janu accompanied me for two days, as a personal guide, brought me to all shops I could possibly imagine to see, temples and palaces. The second day he drove me to my bus that lead me to Ajmer, he did not take one Rupee from me, he even payed the bus ticket.I was standing in front of the bus wanting to hug him, but I knew that this would have been a no go in front of the people around.
I sat down in the bus, with eyes full of tears and Janu said, ” If you want to see me again, than you have to come back “.
But before this he brought me to the ” Guru ” .
I entered ” Guru’s ” room and the first thing he told me was ” forgive your mother … ” . eehh, sorry? My knees started to shake and tears ran down my cheeks. “… for cursing you “ . He continued ” the worst thing that happened in your life was that your Mother gave birth to you and the best thing that happened is that you gave birth to your child, cause this has saved you from suicide “
Sometimes I imagine my mum as a little girl, sitting on my lap , me as an adult , and asking her about her desires and dreams. She loves to speak and to giggle with me, revealing me all of her longings of being free and loved.
I know that the best thing that happened in my life was that this woman , my mother gave birth to me.That I popped into this schizophrenic family, that I am originating from the Balkans,loud, wild and full off passion. It’s the result of who I am now. Without having experienced this past , the deep longing for ” Wholeness ” would never have occurred in my life, and I would never have made my highest value to realize the truth behind this dramaplay , I dropped into.
There is a parable, by Neale Donald Walsch, in which a little soul has a conversation with “God”.
She is so eager to experience all aspects of her Self, but because she is surrounded only by universal light,she can only see that. Therefore she chooses to incarnate to earth, to connect exactly with those circumstances and people that will help her experiencing what she has been chosen.
Here is a short sequence of a dialog she has with God and another soul
” You may choose to experience any Aspect of Divinity in, as, and through you.”said God
“Okay,” said the little soul, then I choose forgiveness. I want to experience my Self
as that Aspect of God called Complete Forgiveness.”
“Well, this creates a little challenge, as you can imagine.
There is no one to forgive.All I have created is Perfection and Love ”
“No one to forgive?” asked the Little Soul, somewhat incredulously.
“No one,” God repeated. “Look around you. Do you see any souls less perfect,
less wonderful than you?”
“I see none less perfect than I,” the Little Soul exclaimed.”
Who then, shall I have to forgive?”
Just then another soul stepped forward from the crowd.
“You may forgive me,” said the Friendly Soul.
“For what?” the little soul asked.
“I will come onto your next physical lifetime and do something for you to forgive,”
replied the friendly Soul.
“But what? What could you, a being of such Perfect Light, do to make me forgive you?”
the Little Soul wanted to know.
“Oh,” smiled the Friendly Soul, I’m sure we can think of something…”
Our own agreements, no curse and no bad karma.
Difficult to understand sometimes.
But as we are all one ,from one soup of consciousness, divided into individual phiscical extensions,
it is also me who is doing it to myself.
Using others to ” do it to me “.
My thought vibrations attract and create certain circumstances ,contrasting parts of who I really am .
Actually I could say ” Thank you soulsister”, for providing me the space through which our fucking amazing, goddess like Selfs can shine through, fullfilling its intention and purpose….
Oh là là…
No victim and no doer.
This is leading me to my own responsibility and to my own power of choosing deliberately new stories, now!
There is nothing else than Love. Everything else is a huuuuge Illusion.
A film that makes it really heard to see that we love each other.
Let’s drop our painful victim stories and realize that we all deserve to be loved, no matter what we have done or failed to do. And that we can write new joyful plays and set stories in scene that makes us feel good!
That’s the magic part of the play.
I wonder if God informed the little soul abot that ability,
think I should have a chat with him…
Au revoir & Namasté