Erotic Spirituality

There is nothing in this world that is unspiritual . Every creature, living thing and the seemingly dead items are being enwrought by Creator Consciousness in a more or less expanded version of Itself .
Sexual Energy when being recognized as Spirit includes our highest Potencial for Selfrealization .
Eros is an energetic potencial bringing us into relationship with Nature, Language, Art and the world itself.
Without Eros there would be no mysticism ,  no devotion in any kind of religion .
It is the driving force behind our urge for Oneness.

As Platon said , Eros is the God who brings  the creative mind into Being.
Eros calls forth the aspiration for knowingness , passionately looking for Union with truth .
The passionate search for ( Re) Union is what makes us drive & thrive,  deep down within  we know about our Oneness with all there is , and we want to experience it ! 

While riding the wave back to the Sire (de -sire ) ; physical union is only one way to come to gether in Spirit . We can use our bodies for the purpose of Union, still for the majority of Beings we come into contact with, Union through awareness is to be prefered.

As we realize that our Life energy shows itself in our bodies through our Sexual energy , we can simply stop  hindering the current from its natural circulation . The essential tool here is our breath . As soon as we remind Ourselves to breathe into whatever comes up , fear , anxiety , the need to look away ,to talk nonesence ..we allow o be devoured by Oneness itself .

One of the most painful moments for me, while sharing this world with my Brothers and Sisters come up when Individuals deny our bond and prefer to insist on seperation.
Than I call upon the words of Byron Katie ” I’m very clear that everyone in the world loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet .. ” 















I love cemeteries , especially here in Paris , but I never go there when I am really happy .

In 2011 I came to Paris for  the first time, without being there before I decided to move over from Germany . It was clear to me that I will live in the area of Montmartre . Until two weeks before my departure I did not find  an Appartement and I wasn’t worried at all . I was so excited  of my vision,  there was no space for doubt . And then  a friend of mine , a french girl studying in Germany , send me a message .

I was living for some month in an amazing house on the top of butte de Montmartre , for almost no costs . I popped into a beautiful neighborhood , it seemed as if everything was already arranged for me . I met my  future roommate & best friend on the trip to there, and in the first week I got into contact with those people who inspired me the most throughout the time . In front of my room was a plant named ” Pachysandra ” waiting for me . The parents of the boy who went abroad were a well-known actor and the former director of one of the biggest Theater in Paris . I was welcomed with open arms . I did not know anybody there before , there was no plan , no safety . I just knew that life is backing me up .

After six month I left the city . I came back to Germany with a heart full of guilt & pain and with no cash in my pockets . Did I fail ?

I came to Paris as an Artist . I quitted acting school in Germany , to find a place where my temperament would fit in . And to escape from my past . But I buried my drama in a huge cellar in the city where I grew up ,  and there was no way around than to  come back and dissolve it .

I dared to live my desires and to leave those behind who were afraid to do the same. I felt responsible for their suffering and sacrificed myself once more and  pretended to be a good girl willing to behave properly this time . I spend two years of grief and deep depression. The dark night of the soul overpowered me until I realized that in order to live I have to get the hell out and make an end to my victimhood.

Yes, I faced my demons . And they are still there . Thank God , cause everything that exists has its worth and until it is valued  it will chase and find us , wherever we go , til we share a little bit of our love with them . ” You  will die if you let go of your old belief system” they whisper. They are so afraid , these screwy little children of mine ,but they do not know what is love , these poor creatures , so I do my best to shed some  light to this demonish  aspect of mine starving for love .

I was convinced, that if I succeed in life , someone else will terribly suffer . So no matter how the universe showed off with opportunities & Angels on my way , I could not accept them  , my hands were full of old stories  I was terrified of  leaving behind . Who would I be without them ?

Since one year I am living in Paris again. I became successful , very much so . But not as an Artist , well can’t say that exactly, cause I am performing my work very artistically . I became a Sex worker , or  call it sexual healer . I started as a tantric Massage therapist in Germany and ended up with an  erotic Massage agency in Paris until I established my independent   clients for tantric sexual therapy . I became a star  in my field . Not in the work I desired to be , but  where I believed deserving to be .

Whenever I am at Montmartre I feel pain , as if Paris was withholding something , that I am not worth of having . Oh, yes I had a  hot chat with my demon friends today . I am about to end the chapter of the sacred prostitute, so they  try to survive   with ” who do you think you are doing what you love ” , ” there are people who need you ” …  bla bla bla

My pic of today is on the cemetery of  Montmartre , I am in a form of Synergetic Energy Exchange . We are sharing our love , hopefully realizing that we are one . The light and the absence of it .


Au revoir & Namasté



Day One of  Blogging365 . A dose of Enlightenment  every day , how much can I handle?

My morning started out of  a very , very dark space . I had no choice than to launch this project, in order to survive . Now that’s very dramatic . In deed, a  commitment to my creativity and to get the drama out of my blood, onto  screen , canvas, stages , a release into the creative flow. Basically posting to survive . Every day a new pic  , a new vibration riding a new story . Creativity is saving my Ass , haleluja.

Throughout my life  I compared to those who felt less , thinking I was wrong .  I was a  wild untaimed horse, yearning for my flock, or as the ugly duckling convinced of its wrongness. I  learned to be my own horse whisperer ,and to listen to  the storm inside , to  breathe , schout and howl with it . I purchased my ticket into the wild , and dare every day anew to be alive .

May the ugly creature inside of us realize it is a beautiful swan…

He did not know the name of those birds or where they were going, and yet he felt that he loved them as he had never loved any other creatures. He did not envy them. It did not even occur to him to wish that he were so handsome himself.

My morning pic,  ” Hope”


Au Revoir & Namasté


Orgasmic TANGO

If you would  ask me what activity I  can perform at any time regardless of being tired, sick , angry or happy , I ‘ll say  it is dancing! I am pretty much sure that I will leave this body one day while  either shaking it to the heavens or whirling my soul into the all-embracing stream of consciousness . But that’s not the point now. I am sincerely on fire due to miss – interpretation  & understanding of Men & Women .

When I hear music that really gets me , I am illuminated ! As if someone has pushed a button in my genitals and the energy expended  through all possible venues  , and oh yes there are many pathways willing and open to broadcast my interpretation , my feelings of  the sound of music my soul is singing .

I never had to learn ” to dance ” .  Expressing feelings & emotions  through my body , was  always the most easiest thing to do . An open accessible gateway  from soul to body . No one tought me how to feel and express music ,whoever tried , I didn’t get it anyway  . Just as  in tango , I took one class , never signed up for an ongoing course . I  threw myself into the dance gatherings, had some private lessons and a few workshops, which made me feel  more uncomfortable than satisfied. In short , I know that we do not have to be tought how to dance, we just have to feel the music that brings the juices into flow and watch how  the fear of expressing all that we are melts away  once we dare to feel .

Tango , is  my passion, as it is dance meditation,  dancing with drums…but Tango , oh my goodness , when I do it with a  man who knows how to approach and guide me ,how to literally take me,  I am giving my self completely to him  and Yes I  am having Sex with him . Right on the dance floor . A friend of mine once said , when I left the  floor,  that I have an imprint on my forehead saying “ Fuck me ” .

Of course I make love while dancing, what else can I do when all of me is there ? When I am in tune with my own sex energy ,  I naturally unite with my partner too , that’s just the  result of alignment with yourself  .But this kind of  expression stays on the dance floor, meaning there is no need  to continue with my partner in the bedroom  . Now that is a challenge , for  most of the Men! And that’s  what kept me again and again from living this kind of natural joy of being alive and feeling so ecstatic and fulfilled ,as I did not know how to behave and deal with the Men after ” I turned them on” and did not give, what they understood I promised ! 

They thought it to be an invitation for Sex . Germans ( I started dancing in Germany ) are more restrained  regarding feelings,  and bringing desires  into action, but the French, oh la la ….When I danced the first time in Paris with a Man , and said merci afterwards and au revoir ,  he reacted so puzzled and offended that I withdrew myself for month from the tango scene and suppressed my desire to dance, as I did not know who to be & what not to be and do . And yes, I thought I am doing something wrong ,too much of   expression, too emotional, that I have to deliver what I inspire them to desire ,once  I dare to be so sensual & sexy .

I am enjoying the beautiful weather in Paris and the Tango Milongas outside, in front of the Eiffel Tower or at the Quai de la Seine and I am dancing my ass on & off. Oh, how I love it when I have a skilled Partner who knows  how to guide me , who knows to be the horse whisperer , holding a space in which I can express with all that is me,one  who can handle my sexual energy .  Once a Man in Berlin, with whom I was dancing  in great union ( he was actually a German, in his fifties and full of strength and skill ) ,   knew exactly how to deal with Me  . After a few dances he suggested that we get married as we function so well with each other . I declined as all the other invitations of his precursors and followers, they felt rejected and I moved on  making my way alone from Milonga to Milonga and enjoying only a few dances with these great Guys , asking myself what  I  was doing wrong .

My dear Men,( and  at least one woman ) I love to dance with you ! I love the way you hold me tight and rejoice with me in my sexuality . I adore you for giving me the freedom to express myself how I feel it to be . And I want you to know that  we are having Sex ! We are uniting through a Synergistic Energy Exchange !  It is just a new kind of understanding & expressing . A subtile form of living our sexuality and a very powerful tool of bringing this energy to a level where it can  fill us up . That is the reason why I do not have to continue with you in bed to feel good , I am already full – filled ,  my juices are flowing and growing and…  integrating, union & sharing have already taken place .  I have enjoyed making love with you and  it was great !

When we feel the Oneness between us , the need for physical union becomes needless as we are already experiencing the ecstatic feeling that derives from Union . That is why Buddha was in a constant orgasm , he got the connection  constantly going on ,with all of us ,  a Buddha is always plugged in .But  of course it’s  great to remember the bond through conscious  practise and just for the pleasure of it, but thats another pair of shoes …

I am looking forward to create my tantric Tango workshops and  to share my approach of dance with  all of you , bringing your fluids into fluition and inspire you to express your feelings, to  enjoy , sense & feel each other, just for the sake of the  magical satisfaction of the  orgasmic Dance .

Au revoir & Namasté

Sandra Kokic


I recently had a sexual healing session  with a Tantric Sex Guru via skype that lasted about six hours .  I learned a lot from one of his students , a woman who did sexual healing work  with Men .  I heard  that this Man can make you come without even being present in the same room,   deep, full body orgasms , one after another.. .only through the energetic presence that is build up between you. Nothing has to be inside of you , no one has to play with your clitoris .

It  is all about energies, all about feeling   the liveliness that builds itself  up inside of your body .Through  the experience of  orgasms that involve the whole of your being , not only the genital body area, stuck resistance  is melt down  and  negative, locked emotions are transformed into a flowing stream of passion, life energy , love  & joy  .The more you practise that ecstatic state the more you come to realize the inner booster that is dwelling inside of you ,waiting to spread itself out into every fibre of your being and literally bringing your juices into full fluency.

Of course I wanted to experience these orgasms , but I only booked a personal analysis session based on a concept of Spirituality & Science , called Human Design . Though I knew intuitively it will continue further, but I did not imagine that I would be gifted with  4 and half hours of moaning, breathing, rejoicing and crying  ..

And yet, I could have been breathing deeper, moaning louder and whining more expressively,  but I did not . Because of the mother that was speaking in my head and residing in my womb . Cause of the stories  I was projecting onto the woman who let me a room in her house and who was lurking around .Whenever I would “feel” very intense , my mind immediately popped into the experience reminding me to shut up.  After my first Orgasm I relaxed much more and previous concerns left me. And at that point I connected with my emotions, my pain and my anger .One Orgasm than crying , being angry , Orgasm and an ongoing twitching of my body that even continued into the next day. In the end I was a twitching & giggling clump lying on the bed.

” You see ” , said the Tantric Master, ” how you are still carrying your mother in the belly , not allowing yourself to live in your fullness only because she did not do so ? Life is offering you a gift and you are still concerned about what your mother is going to say when she hears you enjoying sex… that is simply missing life .. ”

I was even willing to cancel the session after two hours because I could not relax with the voices in my head, that the Lady could hear me . I rented a room from an older woman  , and I realized how many stories, mother stories I projected onto her but I was not aware that I was willing to deny my sexuality out of loyalty  . And that was the golden thread in my life story . To deny life out of loyalty to the woman who gave birth to me and sacrificed all of her pleasures.  The so-called mother wound . Children keeping themselves small to not risk any enviousness and resentment of their mothers.  Unless we heal it , realize the stories and deliberately choose new ones , all abundance will simply be repelled when knocking at our door..

Life gave me the opportunity for grieving . Where else can we connect with our emotions in such a profound way than in our sexuality ? I touched upon the overwhelmed inner child, her powerlessness, her fear and tremendous anger , the divine rage that wants to be heard . In love-making, sexual intercourse we have the ability to transform our negative emotions into a colourful bouquet of enchanting scented flowers . We can truly become a vibrant rainbow . The Man’s Penis is the magical transformer , the head of the Penis burns the tension, the pain, the anger stored in the womb, and reveals an amount of love that therefore nourishes his own heart . In that sence the cycle of Ying & Yang becomes complete .

Women are carrying a psychological wound in the depths of their vaginas .Guilt and Shame  stored in the hidden chamber down under fertilized with rage and negative energies infused through Men that have been deprived of their masculinity  , first from their mother and then  their wifes . That is the anger we could feel if we are sensitive enough.  When Men would allow themselves to feel their penis during sex , they would feel all of their  suppressed emotions, and they could transform them as well through their breath and the woman’s love . Unless that awareness takes place we  can never be ” filled up” with restoring energy.  The woman will receive an unconscious Penis that is simply pouring its own tension into her womb . A Penis that fucks its own mother who cutt off his balls.  Men are carrying the wound in their hearts .The wound of not being allowed to feel, not being allowed to cry. Woman’s nature is to love, to share the love out of her heart, Man’s nature is to share his Manhood through the potency of his sex organ . That’s how we are perfectly created to heal & restore each other. To fill us up . To beam again . That is the true meaning of  faire  de l ‘ amour .

The Master made a vow once, that he will never let a woman leave  unless she has come to experience the fullness of her Womanhood . Unless saliva is pouring out of her , embracing the strength and divine authority of an authentic Man . He would have continued with me , but I really had to finish our ” conference” . When  I mentioned my concerns of being loud, he said I could  share with the Lady the most amazing sexual experience of my life and she would maybe rejoice with me and we would end up in tears together . But I was not so courageous .  I went out of my room, the Lady  sneaking outside asking me if I have at all left the house today . And I said , ” No there was no need for , I just had the most amazing sexual healing session of my life on skype , 6 hours of love making ….”

Au revoir & Namasté

Sandra Kokic

Balkan’s CURSE & India’s GURU

In my dream last night I was in a  relationship with a man I really adored. He was immensely engaged in avoiding any intimacy with me…I went for a walk to see the sun rising, he was happy that I left, and that’s when I woke up.

6 am, awakened, the sunrise behind the houses, pink coloured makes my heart feeling warm,but still I am carrying the weight of the dream with me. Do I really not deserve to be loved?

In the Balkans, where my parents origin from, it is common to curse, out of positive or out of negative moods. You can add it like the english expression ” what the fuck..” or ” motherfucker ” or to indulge them in more profound ways, you add whatever else is most holy to you, God, Mary, Jesus, church, the holy sunday, holy bread, you combine it with the devil , put all of your suppressed anger , rage and pain in it,  and then you address the result to your most beloved, for example your children.
When I was a child and my mum had one of her rage attacks, she used to celebrate them in a performance grabbing my long hair and pulling me over the floor. Mom loved to yell out:

” May God enable  the devil to take away all the happiness out of your life, and may you never have a man who loves you by your side” , accompanied by the wish that I had never been born.
Usually this whole procedure was assisted by  a  belt.  I had to bring the belt,  take my pants off,
and to promise to be obedient and never ever do IT again  ( not to finish cleaning the house untill she comes home or to speak more than I was allowed to).

The last time, I was in India, I was literally brought to a man  called the ” Guru ” who was able to see other people’s  field of Aura and reveal deep insights about themselves.
When I arrived in Jaipur, I did not have a hotel, ( not even the “lonely planet ” with me )  ,  I arrived at about 10 pm at the train station. A young indian guy, smart-looking, addressed me as a guide and proposed to drive me to a hotel nearby. I was completely ignorant towards him, convinced that he is a cheater, and continued my straight way not knowing where I was going to.
I walked towards an exit  that no one else used, when this ” guide” appeared , offering me this time to prove himself as a real tourist guide. I realized that I was quite lost, and gave him the chance to present himself. It turned out that he was in the top five of best Jaipur guides, affirmed by trip advisor.

Janu accompanied me for two days, as a personal guide, brought me to all shops I could possibly imagine to see, temples and palaces. The second day he drove me to my bus that lead me to Ajmer, he did not take one Rupee from me, he even payed the bus ticket.I was standing in front of the bus wanting to hug him, but I knew that this would have been a no go in front of the people around.
I sat down in the bus, with eyes full of tears and Janu said, ” If you want to see me again, than you have to come back “.
But before this he brought me to the ” Guru ” .

I entered ” Guru’s ” room and the first thing he told me was  ” forgive your mother … ”   . eehh, sorry? My knees started to shake and  tears  ran down my cheeks.   “…  for  cursing you “ .  He continued ” the worst thing that happened in your life was that your Mother gave birth to you and the best thing that happened is that you gave birth to your child, cause  this has saved you from suicide “


Sometimes I imagine my mum as a little girl, sitting on my lap , me as an  adult , and asking her about her desires and dreams. She loves to speak and to giggle with me,  revealing me all of her longings of being free and loved.

I know that the best thing that happened in my life was that this woman , my mother gave birth to me.That I popped into this schizophrenic family, that I am originating from the Balkans,loud, wild and full off passion. It’s the result of who I am now. Without having experienced this past , the deep longing for ” Wholeness ” would never have occurred in my life, and I would never have made my highest value to realize the truth behind this dramaplay , I dropped into.

There is a parable, by Neale Donald Walsch, in which a little soul has a conversation with “God”.
She is so eager to experience all aspects of her Self, but because she is surrounded only by universal light,she can only see that. Therefore she chooses to incarnate to earth, to connect exactly with those circumstances and people that will help her experiencing what she has been chosen.
Here is a short sequence of a dialog she has with God and another soul

” You may choose to experience any Aspect of Divinity in, as, and through you.”said God
“Okay,” said the little soul, then I choose forgiveness. I want to experience my Self
as that Aspect of God called Complete Forgiveness.”
“Well, this creates a little challenge, as you can imagine.
There is no one to forgive.All I have created is Perfection and Love ”
“No one to forgive?” asked the Little Soul, somewhat incredulously.
“No one,” God repeated. “Look around you. Do you see any souls less perfect,
less wonderful than you?”
“I see none less perfect than I,” the Little Soul exclaimed.”
Who then, shall I have to forgive?”
Just then another soul stepped forward from the crowd.
“You may forgive me,” said the Friendly Soul.
“For what?” the little soul asked.
“I will come onto your next physical lifetime and do something for you to forgive,”
replied the friendly Soul.
“But what? What could you, a being of such Perfect Light, do to make me forgive you?”
the Little Soul wanted to know.
“Oh,” smiled the Friendly Soul, I’m sure we can think of something…”

Our own agreements, no curse and no bad karma.
Difficult to understand sometimes.
But as we are all one ,from one soup of consciousness, divided into individual phiscical extensions,
it is also me who is doing it to myself.
Using others to ” do it to me “.
My thought vibrations attract and create certain circumstances ,contrasting parts of who I really am .
Actually I could say ” Thank you soulsister”, for providing me the space through which our fucking amazing, goddess like Selfs can shine through, fullfilling its intention and purpose….
Oh là là…

No victim and no doer.
This is leading me to my own responsibility and to my own power of choosing deliberately new stories, now!
There is nothing else than Love. Everything else is a huuuuge Illusion.
A film that makes it really heard to see that we love each other.

Let’s drop our painful victim stories and realize that we all deserve to be loved, no matter what we have done or failed to do. And that we can write new joyful plays and set stories in scene that makes us feel good!

That’s the magic part of the play.
I wonder if God informed the little soul abot that ability,
think I should have a chat with him…

Au revoir & Namasté


“Dear Sandra..” a letter from my 8 year old self

Today I wrote a letter to my self, me at the age of 8 . To me at the age of 36.

” Dear Sandra,

When I have grown up and I am an adult, I want to be a real woman. I want you  to be completely free and  I want you to do what ever you desire to. I hope that you are allowed to dress beautifully and that you have planty of amazing clothes.

I want to dance a LOT. I want to dress up and masquerade and I want to be allowed to speak a lot.

I do not want to ” have to ” .

I do not want to do what others want me to, in the way that they want.

And Mom and my brother, are not allowed to be angry with me ever again, and they are not allowed to beat me.

I want you to move far away from them and that you never come back again.

Yours Sandra

eight years ”

smart little girl. I was sitting in a café today when I wrote it, I read it for myself and tears went down my cheeks. One of my tasks I was completing, of my work book

” The  Artist’s way ” by Julia Cameron. A guide to activate the creativity and to reconnect with our inner child.

I am working with the book the third time ( to finish the book one needs three months, as it is a structured work book).For the first time I am completing the task of  having a date with my inner child,  the so called artist’s date,  what means , taking time once in a week for two hours , and to do things that your inner child loves doing ! I was not able to take this time before, and I always had excuses like, I do not need it, I am already well connected, and I know how to be playful, blabla . I was terrifed actually to meet this needy child inside of me, that got lost somewhere on the way. To see her lying alone  , being sad, crying,  I think this would have killed me, I could not have dealed with her before..I did not know how to behave, what to give her..

Once when I was in the beautiful Osho meditation ressort in Pune ( India ), doing a personal session with one of the amazing facilitators over there, the woman asked me during the session ( when I was in Trance) , to embrace the pillow she put on my chest, that represented my inner child.( Before we went on a journey in imagination to meet my parents..) It took me minutes to do so, I was lying there as crucified,weeping, dramatising, unable to embrace this pillow!

Yesterday, I had one artist’s date, and we bought Disney artwork to colour! I  loved to do this as a child. And we also bought amazing 3D stickers of mermaids…..aaah so sweet . I sticked them on my laptop, my fridge, and the book ” the artist’s way” next to the pic of myself at the age of five…

Thank you little girl for being so patient with me, for waiting for me all these years. I was so busy, so ignorant, denying you most of the time.  I am still learning you know…I will do my best to stay in contact with you, to let you play as much as you desire,allow you  to dance as wild as you wish and to allow you and myself to  follow our joy.

I love you