I love cemeteries , especially here in Paris , but I never go there when I am really happy .
In 2011 I came to Paris for the first time, without being there before I decided to move over from Germany . It was clear to me that I will live in the area of Montmartre . Until two weeks before my departure I did not find an Appartement and I wasn’t worried at all . I was so excited of my vision, there was no space for doubt . And then a friend of mine , a french girl studying in Germany , send me a message .
I was living for some month in an amazing house on the top of butte de Montmartre , for almost no costs . I popped into a beautiful neighborhood , it seemed as if everything was already arranged for me . I met my future roommate & best friend on the trip to there, and in the first week I got into contact with those people who inspired me the most throughout the time . In front of my room was a plant named ” Pachysandra ” waiting for me . The parents of the boy who went abroad were a well-known actor and the former director of one of the biggest Theater in Paris . I was welcomed with open arms . I did not know anybody there before , there was no plan , no safety . I just knew that life is backing me up .
After six month I left the city . I came back to Germany with a heart full of guilt & pain and with no cash in my pockets . Did I fail ?
I came to Paris as an Artist . I quitted acting school in Germany , to find a place where my temperament would fit in . And to escape from my past . But I buried my drama in a huge cellar in the city where I grew up , and there was no way around than to come back and dissolve it .
I dared to live my desires and to leave those behind who were afraid to do the same. I felt responsible for their suffering and sacrificed myself once more and pretended to be a good girl willing to behave properly this time . I spend two years of grief and deep depression. The dark night of the soul overpowered me until I realized that in order to live I have to get the hell out and make an end to my victimhood.
Yes, I faced my demons . And they are still there . Thank God , cause everything that exists has its worth and until it is valued it will chase and find us , wherever we go , til we share a little bit of our love with them . ” You will die if you let go of your old belief system” they whisper. They are so afraid , these screwy little children of mine ,but they do not know what is love , these poor creatures , so I do my best to shed some light to this demonish aspect of mine starving for love .
I was convinced, that if I succeed in life , someone else will terribly suffer . So no matter how the universe showed off with opportunities & Angels on my way , I could not accept them , my hands were full of old stories I was terrified of leaving behind . Who would I be without them ?
Since one year I am living in Paris again. I became successful , very much so . But not as an Artist , well can’t say that exactly, cause I am performing my work very artistically . I became a Sex worker , or call it sexual healer . I started as a tantric Massage therapist in Germany and ended up with an erotic Massage agency in Paris until I established my independent clients for tantric sexual therapy . I became a star in my field . Not in the work I desired to be , but where I believed deserving to be .
Whenever I am at Montmartre I feel pain , as if Paris was withholding something , that I am not worth of having . Oh, yes I had a hot chat with my demon friends today . I am about to end the chapter of the sacred prostitute, so they try to survive with ” who do you think you are doing what you love ” , ” there are people who need you ” … bla bla bla
My pic of today is on the cemetery of Montmartre , I am in a form of Synergetic Energy Exchange . We are sharing our love , hopefully realizing that we are one . The light and the absence of it .
Au revoir & Namasté