Bald Beauty

How does it feel to be born again ?

Naked . Exposed . A few days ago I shaved my head , buzz cut  . My hairdresser left half an inch of hair which I got rid off the next day and turned myself into a bald beauty , completely smooth .  I felt reborn, thrown back  into my earliest age , vulnerable and innocent . The coiffeuse placed a mirror into my hand and turned me around to show my back , when  I proclaimed ” mais je suis belle ! ” , ” but I am beautiful ! ” again & again.It took me a while to realize the meaning behind  that statement  . When my hairdresser started to cry , my attention was brought back into the salon . She was standing , me in the chair staring at the mirror , caressing my huge billiard ball. Surprised by the emotions that came up in her , she  tried to smooth over that moment , when I leaned my forehead on her belly .  What an intimate moment between strangers who have just met some minutes ago.

I had a pretty nice haircut before , very short , very female and sexy . I  loved it. But suddenly I realized that I looked like my own mother . My hair , my wardrobe , my perfume ,  my  style was the one of my mother! I was desiring her so much that I became her duplicate . So,  who  am I than without the stamp of my past ? That’s what  lead me to the cut .  I changed my complete wardrobe , my perfume , my hairstyle . And I chose the new with the question ” would my mom wear that?”

My parents shaved  my head when I was two years old and I remember a picture of me looking in the camera with eyes full of tears .  They used to tell me how big my head was and that I was looking like a nasty boy . I was convinced to be ugly and  wrong , but it was  their perception , the believe system they have been raised with,  It was time to get it off my had & back !

At my home  I shaved the last inches , and saw my naked skin, I  was afraid . A painful twitch streaming through my belly . How did I dare doing that ? My father always said, that a woman should have long hair , he didn’t allow me in my teenage years to cut more than one inch of my very long hair . Oh , how did I hate him for that !  The movie ” Pretty Woman” just came into the cinema, and all I wanted was to look like Julia Roberts , to have the same hair like her , but no way to explain Daddy my desire to be a sexy, wild woman instead of a prude peasant daughter with a plaited ponytail. The first thing I did when I left home at the age of sixteen , I cutted my hair . My mother was furious , she lost final control over me and I guess my father felt very deceived and betrayed . Yes , I dared to become a woman , without their permission.

These days , when I catch me in a mirror , I am amazed, my hand places itself at my mouth , mumbling ” ..they have been  wrong , so wrong , I am  not ugly , I am just different…” and then I name the outstanding parts of myself while  looking in the mirror

OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL HEAD YOU HAVE ! AND YOUR NOSE, OH YOUR NOSE IS SO SPECIAL AND  YOUR EYES THEY ARE SO SPECIAL ! AND YOUR ARMS  THEY ARE  VERY SPECIAL AND YOUR MOUTH , OH HOW SPECIAL IT IS !AND YOUR VOICE , WHAT A SPECIAL VOICE YOU HAVE…when I get the momentum going , it goes deep into my heart healing and restoring the misunderstandings that have been left  uncorrected. Tears are rolling over my cheeks, the closer I come to  areas I was devaluing , or feeling ashamed of them . And finally there is no one else left to approve the rightness of my Being, than Me . How perfect . I am slightly getting  the real understanding of self-love , before it was only  a word that could not find a place to sink in.

No matter how beautiful I appeared to be for  people , a compliment would rarely touch my heart, actually it made me angry . I did not know where to put it , mostly in the category of ” you are just blinded by some desire ” , it was so contrary to the deep imprints I was unaware of  and therefore could only be reversed from the inside out , by no one else than myself .

I am learning to be the parent I never had , now . May all of us  love the raw rightness of our Being and stop expecting it from our spouses, children and parents .  May we get to realize the love that source has for us while we mother ourselves into the beauty of our masterhood .


Au revoir & Namasté

Sandra Kokic