In the night of 21st of August I woke up at about 3.30. I went to take a glass of water, taken from my waterbowl filled with crystals, sat down on the chair next to the window ( what I never do when I wake up in the night), and there she glanced at me , in all her beauty. It was full moon night at exactly 3:44 …ok. nothing unusual that the moon awakes me just to say hello.,but no don’t  forget about my nightmares and the moaning …

Last night, I woke up at 1:30, at 2:30 and then finally at 6 o ‘ clock.No chance to sleep peacefully, a mini mosquito humming around my head( I never had it before in Germany).This time I had the feeling there is a message for me, as if someone wants to wake me up out of a dream in a symbolical way. At 6 o’ clock I switched on my laptop( usually I never do this) went on facebook and there I found this post


in summary:

“Lilith is the one crying out in the night when our lives have become too politically correct, shouting: ‘NO! I am here, I am real, let me in …”

She came to warn me. Of course.

Cause if I decide for the spinning wheel I will die for sure.

Again for the third or fourth time I am about to decide where to live, what means to me , to leave my birth city finally , and let the past be past and to move to France, to Paris.

Oh, said my consience, you cant do this , make a compromise. ( What the hell is a compromise? Ah,  no one gets wat he wants.. )

Ok , I said, although I feel very uncomfortable in Germany ( what means feeling like a wolf amongst sheeps or referring to ” the ugly duckling” told by C.Pinkola Estes ) I will be a good girl and  move to Cologne. Its near Wuppertal, I am away and still if someone needs me I am fastly available. I am thinking about all the rejection I am experiencing as an artist , as a partner, friend and mother, here in Germany, and this pattern of me, to punish me with those people who actually do not want me..what the hell am I doing here then?  Yes, I know my attitude towards myself is simply being reflected by others, no need to blame them. Yes, I say, and if there is an inner , an intuitive pull to other places, where I feel more secure or more at home, like a wild horse back with his flock or the ugly duckling that realizes that it is a swan and joins finally the joyful gathering..then pack your shit and get the fuck out of there !

No, I am staying available for my twelve year old son, who lives with his father, happyly  and also rejecting me all the time.( Oh, I am still thinking I deserve it like that.)

Am I using him for not being allowed to expand? Am I using my past, my family( although two of the main actors already died, and noone is living here anymore, exept me) as an excuse, cause I do not have the guts to jump ?

Yes, and still understandable. Do you know  Grimm’s fairytale ” the girl without hands” ?  When the father took off the hands of his daughter to save his own life and give hers to the devil, the daughter was cutted off in action. What means she was followed by deep feelings of guilt, that every time when she would actively realize her desires she would be responsible for the death of her father. And still for the girl there is / was no other way, than to ” take something in her hands” and to make herself guilty. And only than, ( not with the silver artificial hands made by her husband, the king ) and when she returns in her own inner house ” where everyone lives free” her hands will start to grow again and she will be free.

Eugen Drewermann is writing a beautiful analysis on this tale. Well, actually somehow they are smart this Germans, sometimes…and some of them

Thank you Brothers Grimm

Thank you Lilith. I love you. And I will never allow them to tame me.

Au revoir & Namas te